My Interview With Me
So, tell me about yourself.
I was born in a log cabin, and I cannot tell a lie.
I’ve noticed that you work in quite a few styles. Are you trying to find one you’re good at?
I’m good at all of them, according to Mom. Are these questions going to improve?
Yes. When I buy from your gallery, what am I buying? Original art, or a print?
Both—and neither.
Are these answers going to improve?
Let me explain. The images are digital, which means that they don't exist in a physical sense prior to printing.
If they're printed, they're prints!
Obviously. But they aren't reproductions from an original, like most prints. Usually a print is a copy of a painting you'll never even see. And when you buy a print, it's only one of hundreds (or thousands) available for sale.
So, how many impressions do you make of an image?
I reserve the right to make as many as five (5) images available for sale to the public. Plus, I may also make a personal copy because I can't afford me.
Are we talking lots of money here? Because I can always buy a sofa-sized painting for under fifty dollars. There's a tent off the highway that's selling original artwork and fireworks. They also have pony rides.
Fine, if you really want a picture produced on an assembly line by starving third-world slave laborers.
Pony rides are fun.
Please, are there any more questions?
Yes. How are the pictures printed? Do you dip a potato in ink?
Well, I don't print them myself. For that I hire an expert who prints them, usually onto canvas, using a highly sophisticated printer that probably costs as much as a Buick.
With power windows?
No. Why would you want power windows on a printer?
Tell me about giclees. They sound like some kind of gummy candy you’d buy at the movies.
Giclees are fancy inkjet prints. They’re waterproof, light-resistant and guaranteed to last at least fourscore and seven years. Of course the word “giclee” is French, so it sounds appropriately artsy.
There's a lot of silly stuff on this website. I can't help but ask if you take your art seriously.
Yes! But I try not to take myself too seriously. Dali and Picasso did that, and what happened? Both degenerated into bloated caricatures, living off distant glories.
Like Elvis?
Without the sequins, yes.
So, do you actually have any distant glories? I've never even heard of you.
Goodness, it's getting so late!
One more question. Let's say I purchase a giclee from your gallery. Will it be worth a million dollars someday?
There is no proof that this won't happen. Of course, I'll have to be dead first. That's traditional.
How are you feeling at the moment?
Glad I'm not wearing that necktie.
(end of interview)
(actual artist similar)